In Her Words: Book Review

My oh my, did I love this book!?

“This compilation is a love letter to Africa women, and a missive to all the other souls who will come across it and give space in their hearts and minds for the varying outlooks and experiences that are contained herein.” – Note from the Editors excerpt

This book was a revelation of journeys African women embark on everyday of their lives. It is stories of gender equality, kinds of feminism and what feminism is to different women.

The very first story had me take a step back and reevaluate. I like to think of myself as very self- aware individual but this story had me asking myself a lot of questions not just in the context of the story but also how we associate with others in different but similar circumstances. It bothers me to say, I have at times judged people I did not understand. FYI no one owes you an explanation on why they believe in the things they do. If they tell you its because they want to.

Things I loved about the book:

1. I loved how eye opening it was. It gave me a new understanding on things I previously thought I understood but only had surface knowledge of.
2. I loved how diverse the stories were, from religion to role models to feminism in society. I also loved the diversity of the writers themselves women from all over Africa wrote their stories.
3. I loved that it was stories that I could easily see myself in, so relatable.
4. I loved that it showed how feminism is not a foreign concept women have been practicing it through out Africa for centuries. Queens ruled here!
5. I loved how feminism was shown not to be black and white. It can not be fit into a certain box but means different things for different people.
6. Bonus! I am such a sucker for quotes. This book has such beautiful quotes at the beginning of each short story from strong women of colour that just made me fuzzy inside. I really loved that.

In Her Words: African Women’s Perspectives on Gender Equality is a compilation of 15 short stories by African women on their life journeys. They talk about what gender equality is to them and what that looks like in their everyday lives.

You can get the book here FREE!

Ps. Isn’t that cover to die for?

I Am African But… I Do Not Want To Get Married

I was heading to work one morning when Mom called me. After pleasantries, she told me to tell my boyfriend to come and do introduction. I was livid and in that moment and I immediately called her off. I did not want to speak of it further.

Well, three days later, that relationship ended and broke me into a million pieces, but that is a story for another day. 

I have three sisters, one teenager and two adults. For some reason, mother mine is of the opinion that we all must marry soon. I find this funny, but a part of me really feels sad for her because I am African, but I do not want to get married. At least, it is not a priority for me, I can sincerely do without it. 

No, I really am not a hoe. I am full-time monogamist who can love one person for the rest of her life, however, marriage is not one of the things I want to do with the said person. Is that weird? Maybe. 

Marriage is a societal and religious construct, and well all the perks of marriage can be gotten out of it. 

From sex to companionship, to love, to even children(I do not want these either, but, story for another day). What is with the insane desire to give up your surname? Okay, you would not give up your surname for the feminists in the house( Hello, coven member here), so why exactly do you need all that fanfare? Maybe it is for legal sex because that is the only reason I see for ya’ll to go through the stress. The right to have sex and not feel bad about it. 

I already have sex, and I do not feel bad about it (colour me reprobate), I love like a person in a marriage, even more, and I can cohabit. So what else is there?

If you think marriage is going to stop a cheating partner, ah, I have no words for you. A cheater will cheat and it will pain you more because God does not like divorce. For people like me, I can just walk away from the relationship if things are not working. I do not know if you know, but the Nigerian divorce process is a nightmare. You are expected to stay in that relationship, whether you are dying or not. Your mother, father, pastor and the world will tell you to work on that marriage. 

‘I am breaking up with you’ and a lot of alcohol and anxiety pills later, and a relationship is over for me. I take breakups really bad, how do you want me to survive a divorce? Ma pa mi nau. Pity this girl. 

The bottom line is, I am an African woman who does not attach importance to marriage, I hope my mother understands if it does not happen for me. I have three sisters and they are very homely and perfect, they will get married and give her grandchildren. I will be that rich aunty who is barely around, who everyone sees once in four Christmases and who opens trust funds in millions for her sisters’ children. 

Let me die in peace and alone when I’m old (I get threatened with this a lot when I say I do not want husbands and kids) and get burnt like the African who does not want to be buried.

I Am African But… I Am Female First!

This is not a feminist post, simply because I am not a feminist. I will, however, say what I have to say though.

Do not be surprised when I let my girlfriends know when they are being mistreated. Yes, I will tell them when they are in the wrong, but I will tell them their worthwhile doing so.

Marriage is a blessing when you find that one person you love. Compromise won’t even be compromise; you do things because you love your partner that much. I should know, I married the love of my life.

But, do not think I won’t tell my sisters that marriage is not an achievement and they are not any less of a person if they do not marry because… let’s be honest it really isn’t a milestone. It either happens (and is the best when it happens) or it doesn’t. And you can still be happy if it doesn’t. There is no point being unhappy so just live and be happy.

I am all for tradition and you will probably find me following some because that is how I was brought up. Call me a hypocrite if you will, but you will find me telling my daughter not to bow to this patriarchal society we live in. “Girl, do not conform unless it serves you! Be at peace with you.”

I love my parents, but don’t be shocked when I ask generations past why they had so many children whom they struggled to cater for. One could say they needed help in the fields or the odds of having a successful child among many was higher, making it worth a gamble. But I will ask my mothers’ whether their consent was asked or it was a no discussion thing. I will ask how they dealt with postpartum depression when the next child came way before they were over the last pregnancy.

I am African but I am female first.

So don’t be surprised if you see me telling any woman who will listen that these glass ceilings were made to be shattered and shatter they shall. In the same way the lady who drove the bus I took to town when I was little made me feel like I could conquer the world. Every glass ceiling shattered by an African woman will give others hope, hope to carry on and be more. To do more.

So, African woman, do what’s best for you.

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This empowering episode was written by Sue Nyakubaya-Nhevera, is a Zimbabwean blogger, writer and poet. Find her works on THIS blog. Like, I literally write on this little space of the internet lol.

This is the nineth episode from Africans all over Africa writing about the things they’re expected to like, love or be as Africans, but they are not.

You can catch all the other episodes of the “I’m an African but…” blog chain started by Valentine Makoni and Bolaji Gelax on this blog. Dont hesitate to jump in and share your I Am African But… story!

Who is minding our men?

The empowerment of women and the idea of ‘women rights’ has made its way into my household more than once and more often than not hubby and I have, let me say, agreed to disagree on several aspects of this issue. Every time the conversation comes I always find myself asking the same question over and over again. Who is minding our men?

For decades we have been teaching our girls to be empowered and letting them know they are just as good as men but unfortunately all this focus on feminism has left our boys behind.

We have not been teaching our boys how to adapt to this change in social norm, so for as long as we have been teaching our girls independence our boys have still been taught how to be mucho, exert power and be dominant (not that there is anything wrong with this, the issue is how its done). They have not been taught how to adapt to the changing ideas around being female or what it means to be a man in these changing times. They have not been taught how to adjust to this new norm.

As far as I am concerned, for as long as this carries on we will still see loads of crimes against women rise. We will still see women be told how to be. We will still see little change and this fight for balance (rather than equality) of the sexes will continually rage on. Things need to change, our boys need to be taught from a young age.

We, every single one of us, need to mind our men.